I was saying that the chief characteristic of remorse is that nothing can be done about it. That the time has passed for apology or amends. But what if I am wrong? What if by some means remorse can be made to flow backwards? Can be transmuted into simple guilt, then apologised for, and then forgiven? What if you can prove you weren't the bad guy she took you for, and she is willing to accept your proof? Or perhaps my motive came from an entirely opposite direction and wasn't about the past, but about the future? Like most people I have superstitions attached to the taking of a journey. We may know that flying is statistically safer than walking to the corner shop. Even so, before going away I do things like pay bills, clear off correspondence, call someone close.
"Suzie, I'm off tomorrow"
"Yes, I know Dad, you told me".
"Did I?"
"Yes".
"Well, just to say goodbye".
"Sorry Dad, the kids were making a noise. What was that?"
"Oh nothing, give them my love".
You're doing it for yourself, of course. You're wanting to leave that final memory and make it a pleasant one. You want to be well thought of uncase your plane turns out to be the one that is less safe than walking to the corner shop. And if this is how we behave before a five night break in Majorca, then why should there not be a broader process at play toward the end of life, as that final journey, the motorised trundle through the crematorium's curtains approaches? "Don't think ill of me. Remember me well. Tell people you were fond of me. That you loved me. That I wasn't a bad guy. Even if, perhaps, none of this was the case.
- Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending.
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