I don't think I've read a thing Robert Masters has written that I don't resonate with. This is him at his best.
Deepening Trust
For me to trust you means that I, having consistently witnessed your integrity and reliability, have an abiding confidence that you will continue to manifest such qualities. Trust as such is not an a priori stance, but a result.
The deeper our mutual trust, the deeper our relationship can go, so long as that trust is rooted not in naiveté — naive or blind trust is not really trust, but just a cocktail of foolhardiness and hope — but in a mutuality which is anchored in transparency, integrity, and love. Trust should not be automatically given; it must be earned.
In the beginning, we may be enamored by another's better qualities, and want to give that one our trust — especially if there's an intoxicatingly romantic infusion of hope and lust — but we'd do best to withhold giving our full trust until enough time has passed to see the other in action in a variety of circumstances.
If our bullshit detector is turned down to too low a volume — perhaps because we don't want our romantic trance to be interrupted — we will probably get sloppy in giving our trust, selling it for a few baubles of feel-good attention.
Seeing how our partner operates when things get rough provides a clear indicator of their trustworthiness. Are they worthy of our trust? We need to find this out, rather than just believing it from the start, out of some naive or romantic notion that we should thus believe. Without strongly anchored mutual trust, intimate relationship remains stranded in the shallows, regardless of its excursions to deeper territory.
When I ask most couples if they trust each other, there is usually some hesitation before they say yes — that is, if they even say yes. A hesitant yes is not a full yes; we may be saying yes because we want to trust our partner, or think that we should. But a yes that is animated by any form of "should" is not a full yes.
Part of building trust is an honest, in-depth sharing of how we have been less than trustworthy in our past. This is not about re-shaming ourselves for old transgressions and stupidities, but rather about sharing what's happened openly, vulnerably, and in the spirit of establishing a healthy foundation with our partner. No secrets.
This can be a painful process, but it is necessary. Not every detail is needed, but enough need to be provided so as to provide a sufficiently clear picture and sense of what happened.
As we do this, it is crucial that we uncover — perhaps with our partner's assistance — the prevailing patterns underlying our past behavior. Some of these patterns may truly be things of the past, but others may still be very much present, however much they may be under wraps. These must be revealed so that they can be worked with; this is not about shaming each other, but rather is about not keeping anything from each other. Doing so is an act of deep trust.
Another part of building trust is to openly share our mistrust. We might be tempted to act as if we trust our partner with something or someone, but if we don't, to whatever degree, we need to share that. To thus share our mistrust is actually an act of trust. If we are on the receiving end of this, we need to remain as open as possible; if we shame our partner for daring to mistrust us, they will be less likely to want to share their mistrust with us in the future.
Without mutual trust, there will not be enough safety in the relationship to go truly deep. For example, a couple may, regardless of their love for each other, get sloppy when anger arises — becoming hostile, sarcastic, passive aggressive, blaming, and so on — thereby becoming less than a safe space for each other; they may still open to each other, but it will only go so far, simply because there's not enough safety, or well-rooted trust, to go further.
We don't want to be at a relational edge, and not know if our partner can be trusted to hold the line secure. This is why it is so crucial to identify any cracks in the container of the relationship. Even occasional sarcasm can generate such cracks, however thin or slight they may be. Aggression
cracks the container, as does contempt and a lack of integrity. Infidelity all but destroys the container, as does violence.
Mature couples are deeply and consistently committed to keeping their relational container free from cracks. The container can be transparent, permeable, infinitely expansive, but it is nonetheless still a container, a protected space wherein freedom is found not through escaping the container, but rather through viewing and treating it as a sanctuary of love, awakening, and transformation.
If I am untrustworthy in certain areas, do not override your concerns just because I am so wonderful in other ways; that is, do not let my good points obscure or marginalize my not-so-good points. Relate to me as I am, rather than having a relationship with — or being seduced by — my trustworthiness potential.
The better the relationship, the deeper the trust, and vice versa. When I trust you fully, I can open with you until I am but openness, sentient openness. When I trust you fully, then our relationship becomes a dynamic crucible for healing, awakening, and relational deepening, so that no matter what arises, it is workable. When I trust you fully, I become more alive, more fleshed-out, more conscious, more brave, more curious and caring, letting our relationship carry me beyond what I have taken myself to be.
When we are truly connected, even the arising of disconnection is okay. In fact, trusting each other with our disconnectedness only deepens our mutual trust. The deepest trust of all is but lucid opening to reality in the raw, at once rooted in and generating a sublimely solid faith, a faith that holds steady in even the stormiest relational times.
When it is clearly time to trust — as when our partner has consistently demonstrated his or her trustworthiness — do so even if you are afraid to do so. Better at such times to have trusted and gotten hurt, than not to have trusted.
THE CRUCIBLE OF AWAKENING
Issue 27 July 2007
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